welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.