welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
But wait…
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you