Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Okay

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.