Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs