Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Sponch

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk