Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.