Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler