Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that