welcome back
You Might Also Like
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
What a year we’ve had this week.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*