Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
When your diet is finally over.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…