Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.