‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I already tried new things thanks.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The smoothest fall of all time
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.