“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Well well well…
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day