welcome mats are just gateway rugs
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I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT