welcome mats are just gateway rugs
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful