“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
