“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
That was easy.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop