Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes