Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Be vigilant

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop