Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.