Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid