Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Mornin
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.