Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
