Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.