Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

No flush

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun