“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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Remember folks 😂
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
peak technology
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?