Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”