Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.