Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

just witnessed a drug deal

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.