Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Does it…does it take 3 days

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

First I was a pebble..

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.