Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Unexpected Judgment
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
