Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.