Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
😬
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?