Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
You Might Also Like
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.