Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other