Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Perfect
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?