Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Look at this
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????