Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.