Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.