Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.