Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
More like Kate Missington.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Spring cleaning checklist…
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.