Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My purse is deeper than some people.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
