*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
You Might Also Like
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
*praying for world peace*
God:
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.