[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.