“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
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Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
A collection of me turning into random objects.