Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

The glockness monster

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.