Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

old twitter is back baby

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

How wrong was this guy?

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano