Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda