Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

lol

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched