Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.