Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people