Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
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Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
One of the best
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool