Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.