Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺