Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
