Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
😭😭
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.