Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
wishing you and yours all the best
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly