Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?