Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan