Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Hey i am sexy to you now

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.