Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳