Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Single and childfree like Jesus
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Self-cleaning conscience
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
so this horse walks into a bar
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??