Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
choose your fighter
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.