Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.