Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

So true for me

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job