Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
cat vs inanimate object
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months