Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

And they lived apathetically ever after.