Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
A short story about romance.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.