Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.