Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

The point of your 20s

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.