welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables

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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts


Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?


Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.


Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash


Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.

We get it already.

You got laid once.


I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.


Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.


*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*


me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?


Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since