@WigCannon

welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables

You Might Also Like

@ln0217

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@junejuly12

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@OfficialMizGin

Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.

We get it already.

You got laid once.

@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

@JermHimselfish

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

@suecorvette

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

@IvoryGazelle

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since