If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.