Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
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Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do