Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.