Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

So true for me

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.